Netflix Nightmares: "Chop Kick Panda"

If you're like me you're very much aware of the "mockbuster" genre which notorious studio The Asylum monopolizes on. If you aren't aware of what I'm talking about here's a bit of a run down: The Asylum is a sorry excuse for a film studio that cashes in on more popular movies by filming "mockbusters" movies that are titled to sound like more popular movies like Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds and The Asylum's H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds, Battleship and American Battleship, Alien vs Predator and Alien vs Hunter. 

Of the number of mockbusters The Asylum has pumped out some are mildly amusing and most are tantamount to cruel and unusual torture. However, the film of the day isn't by any means an Asylum flick. I merely wished to elaborate on what a mockbuster is and what The Asylum is because when I tell you that The Asylum isn't the only studio that is in the mockbuster business. Just let that sink in for a moment...

...There are OTHER studios out there who make crappy rip-offs of popular films...

...

...

Ladies and gentlemen... I give you...

Chop Kick Panda...

The story behind this one is fairly simple: my friend and I were in a masochistic mood. We wanted to subject ourselves to something so evil and painful that we'd want to lobotomize ourselves with a bendy straw. Actually, it's even simpler than that. It looked like a terrible movie we could have fun riffing on. But this movie practically makes fun of itself.

If you've watched the actual movie this movie rips off (Kung Fu Panda if you live under a rock) just take it and divide it by 100. This is a simple minded, half baked, poorly made movie that lasts a grand total of 41 minutes! Sure, every minute is injected with the screams of millions of mircowaved kittens, but at least it's short. That is the only positive thing I can say about this movie: that it is no longer than an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

I never thought I'd actually miss hearing Jack Black's voice! This movie made me miss Jack Black's voice! It's that bad! This movie is so bad it doesn't show the name of the studio who produced this steaming ball of concentrated evil, like the studio is embarrassed that it made it! When a movie's so bad you aren't willing to admit to making it you have truly created the anti-movie. If only Michael Bay were as conscientious of his sins against cinema as the studio who made this movie.

What really tosses my brain into a salad shooter is that someone actually got paid to write this movie. It really makes me question my previous impressions of humanity when people could willingly make a movie like Chop Kick Panda. It's the epitome of everything that is wrong with humanity, and after I finished watching this movie it took me weeks to get my jaw up off the floor.

It is by far one of the most horrible things I've discovered on Netflix, and I still can't believe it exists.